Safety first

Is there any task more overwhelming than writing a user's manual? How can one possibly consider every contingency? How can one conceive of every disaster just waiting to happen to a new appliance? In the spirit of fellowship and community, I am offering some of the accumulated wisdom that has come to me through the experience of owning a computer, in the hope of helping my friends and family to avoid those pitfalls that have befallen me. Things that are NOT in the user's manual.

Do not put laptop in refrigerator. (Seth, this one is for you. Get it out of there.)

Do not engage in global espionage with laptop. (Life is not a movie. Come back and live with us in Realityvilletownburg.)

Laptop is NOT a podium. (No, not even metaphorically.)

There is no such thing as safe sex-even with laptop. (No glove, no love.)

Do not attempt to shampoo hair with laptop. (It's not a "body wash" either.)

Do not attempt to use laptop as prison currency. (A shiv or cigarettes should suffice.)

Do not bludgeon human being with laptop. (For those to whom previous entry is relevant.)

Do not attempt to hijack airplane with laptop. (Buses are acceptable.)

Laptop is non-alcoholic. (I learned this one the hard way.)

Do not use laptop as flotation device. (Clever quip enclosed in parentheses.)

Laptop is NOT a briefcase. (Especially important to remember in "You give me the case, I give you the girl!" situations.)

Do not expose laptop to high heat or snails. (Exposure to virtually everything else is acceptable.)

...and I will strike down with great vengeance and FURIOUS anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my laptop! And you will know my name is THE LORD when I lay my laptop upon thee! (I give my mother a laptop massage.)