You need help. Good grief.

After examining all of the items in your apartment, including those items you thought were perfectly hidden, I have determined that you "have issues" and as a person with a degree in psychology I would like to arrange a series of meetings in which we will conduct a mixture of written and verbal therapies, during which we will engage in and celebrate the innate majesty of the run-on sentence, all the while avoiding the dreaded and horrific period.  Period.